25 August 2005

In a big big way I am really small.

Every few years something comes along in my life and really evokes certain feelings and thoughts in me. Sometimes it's a book, sometimes a movie and sometimes a record. In the past The Smashing Pumpkins' "Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness" was one of those records. It made me feel so many different things. It made me curious and also doubtfull, but it stirred me. It made me question my faith when Billy Corgan sang "...and God is empty, just like me." Now, it didn't make me stray from my faith, but it made me really examine it and in the end I decided that God is real and very active in my life and Corgan's song about being a rat in a cage cannot change me in that big of a way. But it made me think about it. It is extremely rare when this happens to me, but when it happens it does so in a big way.

Once in fifth grade I read an auto-biography titled "They Cage The Animals at Night." Another shock in my life when I finished this book. It made me angry and hopeful and sad and curious to know whether parents truly love their kids the way God loved Christ. To this day I still think about that book that I read nearly 14 years ago. It brought out alot of things in my heart and in my mind and like I said before...it's very rare for this to happen.

There have been several movies to have this affect on me, one being "The Shawshank Redemption." This movie, although fictional, made me feel so many things. But most importantly I realized the true capactiy of the human heart. That there is the potential for all to experience freedom in imprisonment and joy in suffering. The scene where Andy, the main character, had just been released from solitary confinement was one that I will remember for years to come. After spending months in a window-less hole with no bed and little water, Andy told his friends that it was the easiest three months of his life. When asked why, Andy explained that he listened to the music in his heart. Classical pieces that kept him sane in a truly dark time. After hearing this I kind of understood further the capacity of the human heart and mind.

Recently I was suggested by a friend to buy a record called "Frengers" by a band called Mew. Like The Smashing Pumpkins and the book I read in fifth grade and The Shawshank Redemption, this record brought many things into my head. The lyrics are not as thought-provoking as Corgan's and the record has not made me doubt or question or believe anything, but it's made me feel certain things. What these things are...I'm not quite sure, but I feel them. I think about things. And I get excited when I hear it, but not the kind of excitement I feel with just any other records, because I feel excitement everytime I listen to The Get Up Kids' "Something to Write Home About" or Jimmy Eat World's "Clarity." With the Mew record the excitement is different. I can't really explain and I really feel that, because I can't explain no one will understand. But then I realize that it's not for everyone to understand. It's for me. And maybe the things I've mentioned have had an impact on others and maybe not. Maybe it takes something completely different for anyone to feel the things I've felt in those instances. All I know is that when Something comes along that has that kind of impact on me, I feel glad. I feel like for the first time again I understand the meaning of art.


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